Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Did you know....
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the states of West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."
another joke...
A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day.
His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned.
"You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch.
Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says,
"Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."
.................
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge."
"If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $5,000,000 bank account.If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him;
"Then you try again...!"
.......................
heres another
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie.
So .. what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map?
I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years ... I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."The woman thought for a minute and said , "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for . . a good man."The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the stupid map again.
A Sergeant in the Nigerian army called out his battalion as they stood in line he started giving out the mail.
He started, "Private John!""Yes Sir!," John answered as he stepped forward."Your Mother just had a heart attack. Take your letter and go back in line.
"With tears in eyes, Private John went back in line."
"Private Peter!," he called out again."
"Yes sir.," answered the Private.
"Your brother was involved in an accident; he broke his legs and arms and died screaming out in pain like a baby."
Just then a General who was passing by called the Sergeant and told him to be more humane when he is distributing mails to the junior officers.
The next morning he gathered the men as usual.
He brought out the first letter, looked at it and did not know what to say because the General was watching this time.
He finally said to his men, "If you know your father is alive move to the right."
and then he suddenly added. "Hold on a second, ARE YOU SURE SEARGENT DAVID?"
............
You and your friend are walking along a road and you see a lamp on the ground.
You pick it up and a genie comes out.
He says, "I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for your friend gets twice as much as you."
You say "OK" and your first wish is for $10,000,000.
The genie says, "You know your friend is gonna get twice as much?"
You say "I know."
Your next wish is for a 50,000 ft. yacht.
The genie says "You know your friend is gonna get twice as much?"You say "I know." Your last wish is for getting beaten half to death and the genie says,
"You know your friend's gonna get twice as much as you?"
You say "I know."
.......
The teacher of the school geography class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked:
"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a confused silence, little Johnny volunteered - "I guess you'd be eating alone!"
